This Is A DARK Secret About Your Ex

There’s a dark secret your ex doesn’t want you know. And it usually stems from this question.

“How could someone just breakup with me overnight?”

This is a sentiment I hear often during a coaching session after a client reaches out to me after their breakup. They’re heartbroken, frustrated, angry, and downright clueless. Navigating the throes of a breakup is something that can take its toll on you.

And that is the question I hear the most. But guess what?

You’re not alone asking this question.

Not only is this one of the most common problems I hear from clients, it’s also something I personally struggled with for years too.

The story is always the same. You meet someone, sparks fly and you’re spending so much time together, enjoying the chemistry that is bubbling between the two of you and the next thing you know, the two of you are inseparable. It seemed like you two met on Tuesday and by Friday, you’re picking out baby names together.

And then…

BAM!

You get hit with…

I need space.

It’s not you, it’s me.

I love you, but I’m not IN love with you anymore.

Seemingly out of nowhere. Just like a walking across the street and then getting hit by MAC Truck.

Unfortunately, your breakup is never out of nowhere. It’s never the blindsided feeling our minds believe it to be. Now you may be reading this and want to say, “But, Coach Tarquez, I woke up one morning and my ex-wife left me a Dear John letter and her wedding ring on my nightstand, and she disappeared like a thief in the night. In the .0001% of you who had experienced this, you win this argument—but I still wholeheartedly believe, no breakup is without their warning signs, despite how vague or small they are.

Understand. Your breakup did not come out of nowhere. The breakup has been something your ex has been ruminating on for weeks, months, or maybe even years. Sometimes they’ve explicitly expressed their dissatisfaction about the relationship, hinted towards breaking up, or there was a shift in their behavior from when the two of you first starting dating.

Something changed in the relationship.

And if you’re asking the question, “How can someone just breakup with me out of the blue?” then maybe you missed the signs that your partner was unhappy.

I was in your shoes before. I was just as confused as you are right about the love of my life no longer wanting to be with me. The confusion hurt just as much as the heartache, possibly even more.

One of the worst feelings you’ll have during a breakup is feeling of you not being not in control of your life anymore—which honestly is not a feeing, it’s a fact. Your ex decided your future for you. You probably had visions of marriage and a family and a bright future. It was something you talked about all the time and the two of you were excited about building it together.

And now your ex decided—for the both of you—that this bright future you dreamed of will only be just a dream.

It’s insanely tough and terrifying for someone—especially the person you love with every fiber in your body—to decide your fate for you.

This feeling of intense heartache and loss of control is a speedball that often takes your behavior after a breakup off the rails.

The desperation intensifies. The hopelessness spirals. The cold, dank whisper of fear begins to shout at ear-splitting decibels.

You want to do anything to fix it. Them telling you the relationship is over and wanting to move on turns into you taking the blame for the failure. You beg them. You apologize for anything you did in the past. You want to right THEIR wrongs.

Though we do have our shortcomings in the relationship, this is a scary place to be.

It wasn’t until you do a lot of healing and reflection on the relationship that you realize you cannot internalize the rejection. Yes, many times we do things that add to the demise of the relationship, but on the other side of the coin, your ex makes a decision that has no bearings on anything you did or didn’t do.

It’s all on them.

And they had been pondering the breakup LONG before it became a reality. And this is the dark secret your ex doesn’t want you to know.

Because if this secret were to become known, then not only do you have to answer questions about the breakup itself, now you’re questioning whether every word, every gesture, every behavior by them in the relationship was genuine.

Was their love for you real? Did they really want to build a future with you? Did you love them more than they loved you? Because if they were secretly plotting on breaking with you while laying* next to you in bed cuddled up whispering how much they love you and need you a year before the split became real, were the I love you’s and I care for you’s a lie?

How could it be honest when one moment they’re telling you they love you with all their heart but internally, they’re unhappy and thinking of breaking up with you.

Can someone be conflicted this way? Is that real love? Can two seemingly diametrically opposing feelings be true simultaneous?

Those are questions I felt when I was in that predicament. And I’m sure they’re banging around in your mind.

The result is you placing the blame on yourself.

Which is a big mistake. Don’t blame yourself for your ex hiding this dark secret about the relationship.

Because it’s not about you—even if you should shoulder a lot of the blame for the demise of the relationship.

And I can say this because I’ve been on the opposite sides of the coin. I broke up with women overnight, but I had been pondering the breakup for months without telling them. I did this because I didn’t have the emotional maturity to express my problems in the relationship.

Because of my emotional immaturity, I hurt my partner even more than a regular breakup would. And I paid the price for it because later down the line in another relationship, I was on the receiving end of it.

That’s why I can speak with authority on this. I’ve seen it with different lenses.

Don’t internalize their decision. Their level of emotional intelligence will dictate how maturely they handle the breakup.

So, it’s time to circle back to what I mentioned earlier about were the signs of an impending breakup always present. Yes, they were always present. Many times, we chose to ignore them or downplay them due to many reasons. Maybe because our ex has trouble articulating their emotions to you in a way that won’t hurt you. Or maybe it’s because they’ve expressed their displeasure so many times, that they’re sick and tired of it falling on deaf ears.

They’ve reached their breaking point internally and ironically breaking up with you blindsides them just as much as you.

The answer to the question really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. What matters the most is that you have pieces of your life to pick up. How it was broken doesn’t matter. What truly matters is what are you going to do going forward.

The mistake that many people make is identifying with the shattered pieces instead of the whole vase before it became broken.

You identify with how your ex broke up with you instead of objectively understanding the reasons why your relationship ended.

You make the mistake of identifying with the failure of the relationship because you’re a good person and good people put their all into a relationship.

Overcoming a breakup is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to endure, but you must be at peace with knowing you did everything in your power for things to work.

How long they kept the breakup a secret or how they handle the breakpu usually has very little to do with you or how much effort you put into a relationship.

Let them deal with the emotional stress of hiding a dark secret from you.

Don’t let them breaking up with you mute the light you hold within you. 

It doesn’t define you.

Let me know in the comments how you’re holding up after your breakup.

Take care.